How do you know your forgiving is complete?
Discussion question for July 29, 2011.
You can forgive someone for an offense but not an event, and forgiving is a process that continues as offenses come to mind related to the original event. What indicators accompany completed forgiveness? How is trust restored, and is it necessary? What signals can remind you that the process must continue, and what signals mean that you are done?
Here’s my summary of our discussion.
We used the example of a business owner having rendered service to a customer and issuing and invoice for $500. In this case the customer paid $400 and disputed the remaining balance. If the business owner chooses to forgive the debt ($100), what offense(s) must he also forgive? The underpayment is the occasion of the debt (or event), and it can be accepted but not forgiven. We discussed possible offenses that would need to be forgiven: a debt of courtesy, a lack of social kindness, lack of respect for the service provider, disrespect for quality of work, etc.
One of the most accurate indicators that forgiveness is not complete is when you are triggered by a thought or circumstance because it reminds you of the debt that is owed. These situations can also help you discover the specific offense that remains outstanding. In other words, a strong urge to rearrange the offending person’s face points to an underlying emotion tied to the offense you hold against them. On the other hand, if you have trained yourself to suppress that particular emotion, it does not indicate that true forgiveness has been completed.
Unforgiveness leads to a root of bitterness. It acts as a poison to the one that is unwilling or unable to forgive. If that person is the type that bottles things up, they begin to accumulate this poison and it soon shows symptoms in the spiritual, emotional, and physical realms. This can be seen as emotional discomfort or distress, physical disease, and a strained relationship with God. The other kind of person spreads the poison around instead of keeping it bottled up. The carnage is obvious as that poison destroys relationships and others that receive it. Neither way is better, but complete forgiveness removes the root of bitterness.
Forgiveness is not excusing or condoning a debt, not justifying it in part of whole, and not renegotiating it. Forgiveness is releasing the debtor from the obligation of the debt, past present and future. When they are released, then God has the opportunity to make payment on their behalf; and He is generous in repaying.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and then to discover that the prisoner is me.” This is a great quote that captures the sense of forgiving, but we couldn’t remember it’s source.
When a person is at peace with the circumstances in which they took on an offense, and with the person they have held responsible for that offense, then forgiving is complete. Sometimes an offense is identified and released (forgiven) only to have a similar offense take its place. This is the process of forgiving, and should be treated as normal. Just like renewing the mind, forgiving is an ongoing process until every ounce of offense is redeemed and converted by the power of God.