How are grieving and forgiving alike?
Discussion question for August 5, 2011.
Last week we talked about the process of forgiving, and how it takes some time to identify the offenses that must be released. How is this like the ongoing process of grieving? What is released during the grieving process? How do y0u know when your grieving is complete? What happens when you have a memory or emotion that reminds you of the loss (or debt)? What does God repay when we grieve?
Here’s my summary of our discussion.
The grieving process reconciles expectations much like forgiving reconciles offenses. The loss of forgiving occurs because of what someone owes you – such as respect or honor. They are unable to pay and to forgive is to release them from their obligation. The loss of grieving occurs because of an expectation you have – such as a hope or future dream. The dream dies because it can not happen, and in grieving this new reality is accepted.
Jesus made a promise in Luke 18:29-30 about God’s way of reconciling the loss, when it is made for the sake of the kingdom of God. You will receive many times as much in this age and in the age to come, including eternal life. This is how God makes up for our disappointments, now and forever.
There is grieving that brings us to accept the loss; that is, recognizing that what we once had is now gone and will not return. Grieving helps us live in the present and live for the future, rather than being stuck in the past. Like forgiving, attempting to suppress the feelings or ignore the loss does nothing to move a person forward. In fact, it keeps them in bondage.
An important part of grieving is to celebrate the past with respect. The caution is to avoid making the past an idol. This can happen in the loss of a family member, where the celebration of their life and worth becomes an object of affection in itself. This can be demonstrated through the building and maintaining of a shrine. It is a personal and internal matter for the grieving person to determine where the crossover point might be.
The ongoing process of grieving occurs as new facets of the loss are discovered, and these primarily deal with expectations. Realizing and accepting the fact that we will not celebrate a Christmas together or share an amusing story are future events that remind us of the loss. Accepting it as the new reality brings us to emotional wholeness while allowing God to pay up the difference.
Grieving extends to more than the loss of relationships. It includes all missed expectations. The emotional response of grief is appropriate for the things you believe. As you accept the new truth (current reality) your emotions will change from loss (sadness) to celebration (joy), and that switch comes from changing the focus between past and future.
God repays for the things we have lost, and all good things come from Him. We learn to trust Him in all facets of our life as we recognize and accept the gifts He has rather than focus on the things we feel like we are missing.
The purpose of grieving and the ultimate outcome of grief is peace.